is for Al
The Al-paca is a species of Australian camelid mammal. It is similar to, and often confused with, the Al-lama. However, Al-pacas are noticeably smellier than Al-lamas, giving off a detectable odour of apple chutney. The species is believed to have been partially-domesticated from wild relatives, although the domestication process is still ongoing and appears to have plateaued. Al-pacas are given to bouts of punning, which can be distressing for cohabiting animals. For example, it is unwise to suggest going on holiday to the Al-paca unless you're prepared for the response: "Al-paca my bags!". In short, long-term exposure to the Al-paca can cause a breakdown in normal communication of alpaca-lyptic proportions.... Uh oh.... But not to be confused with Llamageddon.... Dammit Al!
is for Badger, With a Spoon
Not to be confused with close relative Reese, Badger's name is frequently used as a misdirection tactic providing cover for illicit activity such as gluteal bootage or the theft of food from in front of an adjacent plate.
is for Carrot and Rice Casserole.
CRC is a largely plant-derived flooring adhesive, and was produced on an industrial scale in the counties of Hertfordshire and Buckinghamshire in the 1990s. Contrary to popular opinion, CRC has been tested by the FDA and found to contain a relatively high food content.
is for Double-headed Parent Monster.
Due to laudably close marital affection, this couple functions as a single symbiotic entity: collaborating on crosswords, providing complementary services to wayward children, and travelling in convoy - usually on dubiously-obtained bikes. The individual heads' rudeness to each other belies their close interdependence. The monster's similarity to the mythical hydra remains untested.
is for Elk-Up
Elk-up. Conversation poverty is real. During the Great Banter Famine of 1993, stocks of bunnies, parsnips and poplars ran so low that conversations in the McNicoll household occasionally had to run their course without the usual dialogical parachutes. As ever in times of desperation, necessity proved the mother of invention, and the elk-up was born. The International Consortium of Elks and Moose has never formally recognised the term, mainly on account of the organisation not actually existing.
is for Fi
Fi (tapirtapirus) is a herbivorous mammal, with a prehensile nose trunk, capable of controlling the emotions of family members with a wiggle. The Fi is the only subspecies of tapir to be fully narcoleptic, with sleep representing its secondary means of defense. Its primary means of defense is suspected to have something to do with running head first into a bush but all naturalists suspected of having witnessed this extraordinary display unfortunately died laughing and couldn't report back. The Fi's prehensile nose also makes it incredibly fast at the keyboard, and it currently holds the animal kingdom speed record for spreadsheet manipulation.
is for Gub
Half-human, half-lemming, the Gub defies convention by climbing up cliffs instead of leaping from them. Her habitats vary from alpine not-cafés to Australian houseboats. The juvenile Gub defends its territory by riding on the legendary firebird, with which it develops a symbiotic relationship.
is for Hartlepool and Hobby
Most spouses tolerate their other half having a pet project; however, most would draw the line at their significant other having the PET Project as their hobby. This notorious plant is based in Hartlepool – a location known for hosting many engineers’ second families, and famous for winning the European City of Plasticulture seventeen years running.
is for Kathryn and Kitchen-Dancing
"ki-chen-darn-sing"
Dreamed up by Kathryn McNicoll, a Tanzanian teacher and ecowarrior who first arrived in the United Kingdom with 1 miner and 2 minors in 1984, Ki-chen-darn-sing has become an international phenomenon amongst its fans (known as “darn-sirs”).
It is the Commonwealth’s slowest-growing fitness trend, spawning more than 2 certified instructors and 1 official soundtrack. Over 4 people occasionally participate in classes at 1 unique location, which the writer understands creates the conditions necessary for Salt-n-Pepa grinding. Proponents of “darn-sing”, as it is colloquially known, deny any connection to organised, pedal-driven crime.
is for Like a Bat Out of Hell
It’s a hot summer night on a Friday evening and an absent-minded man and his 3 kids are all revved up with no place to go so they – went to chess club – hey, you took the words right out of my mouth! So they set off looking for Paradise Street by the light of their dashboard. Meanwhile, his wife, who’d said that she would do anything for love but she wouldn’t do chess club, starts pulling out tins of chopped tomatoes to prepare dinner. The man and his 2 kids return home late and his wife says ‘For crying out loud, I’ve been heavin’ can weight all evening and you go and forget something. The man replies, ‘but baby, two out of three ain’t bad!’.
is for Nice Castle
Cheerful reference to the inevitable decay of human memory over time, offered cheerfully when thinking about memory lapses, and referring to the famous memory span of a goldfish, in as cheery a manner as possible. It has recently been established that the advent of the smartphone has reduced human attention spans to below that of the proverbial goldfish, to the point where it is commonplace to lose focus halfw
is for Oh No Not You Again
While these doormats can now be purchased from multiple online stores, few know that the first one was hand-stitched by two grandparents desperate to have a quiet weekend in which they actually got to consume the custard they had spent so long making. When it was found to have the opposite effect, actually increasing the frequency of family visits, they felt obliged to laugh it off as a joke.
is for Poplar Up
It really is remarkable how many varied common nouns are repurposed by McNicolls for filling awkward gaps in the conversation. This moronic behaviour is only tolerated by friends, spouses and Her Majesty's Government because that family don't know any better, the poor dears.
is for Qwangle Wangle's Hat
The British Literary Society is currently reviewing recordings of this poem being recited by the residents of 13a Linkside Avenue, Oxford. At stake is the designation of such poetry as "nonsense verse", as the recordings appear to show the verse as making significantly more sense than the conversation directly preceding and following it.
is for Rabbit's Paw
There is scarcely a citizen of the Udayed Queendom who has not at some point been the subject of the transpositional wit of the great "Bumper Car". Ordinary places such as Milkman's Cream and Kingsforest became endowed with a mystical quality by means of their alternative monikers, all fabricated with whatever brain space was left over after critiquing the LBW calls on the TV cricket coverage.
is for Stamp-Collecting
In the world of home-making, stamp-collecting is now considered a safe and in many cases preferable alternative to other activities beginning with the same letter. As a hobby it is marginally less messy, and has the benefit of not producing irritating miniature clones of the hobbyist. Bein a solo activity, it has also been pointed out that one can engage regularly in stamp-collecting without the need to keep a large stack of crosswords for those awkward moments when stamp-collecting isn't possible.
is for Teapot
Little is known about this photo, prior to its appearance in the 1996 bestseller When the YMCA goes wrong: 101 epic dance mistakes. The pose's namesake is now believed to be entirely mythical.
is for Ugh, We've Had Enough of This Game. Let's Just Put in the Letter U and Hope They Won't Notice
is for Very Scary Lady
How can you ensure that your children form friendships that can be relied upon? By setting the bar so incredibly high that only the fathiful few will persist! Thus, at great cost to herself, this mother became the Very Scary Lady, wearing funny hats, booing friends, and employing acerbic wit that prompted at least one request to "at least use a sarcastic voice so we know when you're not being serious".
is for Wall-Propping
Proponents of Kant's philosophy Das Ding an sich remark that an object can have an existence and a set of properties intrinsic to itself. Observers of McNicolls and those on whom they have influence claim that a concept can have a life of its own which holds no connection to reality, and appears to have no history of invention. Wall-proppers would probably argue their existence to be proof of the latter, if they could be bothered to stand up straight.
is for X-Word
Homeopathy has long recognised the X-Word or "crossword" as a natural antidote to face-to-face conversation, and practitioners claim it to have saved many marriages - the more difficult the crossword, the greater its value. The eminent crosswordologist Kathryn McNicoll has developed a new writing style of almost indistinguishable capital letters which adds extra challenge to any crossword deemed too easy.
is for Yikes!
James & Kathryn McNicoll are known for taking childhood photos that only just scrape past the censors. Nobody knows whether it was extensive practice or sheer luck that gave rise to these poses.
is for ZZZZZZ
The longed for sound of any parent, zzzzzz is not to be confused with ssssss, which may be the sound of Al calmly irrigating Dad's back.