Hybrids are Forever

INTERNATIONAL BIKE-SMUGGLING RING EXPOSED

Have you received an email recently, asking you if you have an unused bike sitting in the shed? Or have you seen a posting on a community WhatsApp or online newsletter asking for donations of cycling gear? You may have been tempted to give some of your old gear a new adventure – but what really happens to equipment donated in this fashion?

Now, a leaked document from a trusted source within MI6 shows that the international intelligence community is close to unravelling one of the largest bike-smuggling operations in human history. It is not known at this stage quite how many bikes are involved, but estimates put the figure as high as 600-700.

To date, all attempts to locate the masterminds at the centre of the operation have failed – experts believe that this is only possible because the central figure or figures are highly skilled, fiercely independent, and operating alone with close to no outside help. They note that this would require an exceptionally large spreadsheet. It is strongly suspected that the other involved parties – primarily mechanics donating their time voluntarily to recondition the bikes – are entirely unaware of the scheme in which they are involved. Most of them claim to have dealt with a woman using the codename PCFE, while a few have been visited by a man who seems to go under the alias of Rand.

This information has been known for a matter of a few months now; however the real breakthrough has come in the last two weeks, when intelligence sources believe they have uncovered the final destination of the bikes. After assigning a double-0 agent to the case, MI6 managed to inject two traced bikes into the supply chain, and followed them all the way to a SpaceX launch base in Vandenberg, California. There, the bikes were fitted with advanced carbon nanotube struts, apparently enabling them to be assembled into one giant structure. Regular launches have been made, under the guise of rocket testing, and it is believed that as many as 400 bikes are already assembled at an undetermined location in Low Earth Orbit.

Stolen plans from the assembly hangar seem to show a superbike the size of a small moon whose chain attaches around the equator of the earth, allowing a small army of intrepid cyclists to alter the speed of the earth’s rotation without an external energy source. The plans seem to indicate that the bike will be orientated so as to speed up the earth’s rotation, rather than to slow it. Friction with the Earth’s surface is provided by an innovative compound seemingly composed of grated carrots and rice.

Of course, the real question now is why anyone would want to speed up the earth’s rotation. A cryptic conversation overheard by a CIA operative posing as a travelling ocelot salesman seemed to refer to the increased centrifugal force counteracting the earth’s gravity to a degree that would allow old people to shrink less in their dotage.

Mathematicians at GCHQ have run calculations, and determined that the optimum gravitational relief, balancing non-shrinkage with continued function of gravity-dependent items such as cars and hoovers, is at approximately 51.8 degrees latitude, pointing to the beneficiary – and presumably the centre of the operation – being based in either Oxford in the United Kingdom, or Stanley in the Falkland Islands. On the assumption that evil genius volcano bases would be quite hard to hide in leafy Oxfordshire, the Stanley location is assumed to be more likely. It would most likely benefit citizens in their late 60s and early 70s.

At this point, the Interpol report therefore lists the wanted suspects as one male, one female; both 65-75; highly intelligent and independent; keen on spreadsheets, cycling and organic food; and most likely concerned about their shrinking stature. If you have any leads, you should call CrimeStoppers on 0800 555 111.