Dear Madame Bumtinkle, I NEED your help. My family and I can’t stop insulting each other. Sometimes I call one of them determined to tell them that I love them dearly but when I try to form the words, what comes out is: your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries. To make matters worse, in our family the latter statement is actually true and I know everyone would like me to stop mentioning it.

Madame Bumtinkle responds:

Oh dear, oh dear, you are in a pickle aren’t you? Patterns we get into as children quickly become ingrained behaviours and before you know it you’re a fully-grown adult, stealing dried fruit from your own pantry at twilight, whilst furtively hoping your partner never finds out that you know all the words to Meat Loaf’s Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad. So here’s my suggestion. If you’ve tried having normal conversations and they always end with both parties risking apoplexy by parsnip-face, perhaps you should avoid talking for a while and try this practical suggestion instead. Express love through scheduling. If this sounds counterintuitive, bear with me. Rather than hackneyed phrases of familial affection, why not try to get your nearest and dearest to commit to impossibly distant events, such as a mid-morning coffee on 4^th June 2022? If this doesn’t serve to communicate how much you care about someone, you could consider sending weekly follow-up emails, containing updates of how Q2 of 2022 is filling up in your calendar.

Dear Madame Bumtinkle! Thanks so much for all your advice over the years. It’s been a source of joy and inspiration to both myself and my pet lobster Edith. I know you don’t generally dispense advice on home furnishings but perhaps you could see your way clear for a lifelong reader? It’s a simple question really. Edith and I have a small living room, with only have one sofa and one chair. What should we do when we have lots of guests over? If I invite 2 or 3 people to sit down, the others might get offended.

Madame Bumtinkle responds:

What a fortuitous question! For some years now I have been developing a combined etiquette and fitness program that incorporates high-intensity grappling with a comprehensive social grace-building workout. Imagine a fin-de-siècle finishing school taught by a Russian track and field athlete and you’ve understood the principles of Bag n Baggage^TM.

Of course one can’t choose which of ones guests should stand awkwardly in the corner for afternoon tea. Equally unthinkable would be the idea of giving up your favourite armchair to some Barmbrack-scoffing interloper. Instead, try this simple program. Size up your guests by lining them up in height order. Eyeball the larger ones, making a mental note to lift with your knees not with your back. Count to three and pretend to be surprised when all your guests are stacked up on your favourite chair by the count of two. At this point, your task as host is to relocate the wiggling pile to the sofa. Their task is to not cooperate. If you use larger ones as ballast and the smaller ones as chockstones, you should find that your guests can be stacked and secured on the sofa within some thirty minutes, leaving you to enjoy a well-earned rest in your armchair.

I am meeting my partner’s family and would like some advice on how to break the ice. It’s never been my forte.

Madame Bumtinkle responds:

I have 6 words for you. Tech support. Tech support. Tech support. Getting-to-know-you conversations are for amateurs; small talk is for the feeble-minded. My dear old mother, bless her cotton socks, always used to say: when in doubt provide tech support. At least I am fairly sure that’s what she said; it was always hard to tell with only her left ear visible on the screen. Helping to switch on computers, locate long-lost passwords and stop that weird beeping noise works on in-laws and new acquaintances alike. It requires almost no social skill and can be traded for crumpets.

Dear Madame Bumtinkle. Help! I am a full-grown adult and I still don’t know the difference between good attention and bad attention. Can you explain it to me?

Madame Bumtinkle responds: