Cycling for Dummies

Introduction

Throw out those archaic notions of sun, sea and sand and truly embrace the joy of pedalling. Read this article to find out how you too can spend your holidays in sweaty single file.

Foolish Assumptions

Please forgive me, but I made one or two foolish assumptions about you, the reader of this article. I assumed that you understand that:

  • Holidays are not for relaxation; they should require training beforehand and at least a week of recuperation afterwards,
  • True vacational satisfaction can only be achieved once your legs approximate wet noodles when trying to maintain the distance between butt-cheeks and floor.

Designing Your Holiday

Location and Equipment

It is important to assess the age of your family members when selecting a location and appropriate cycling equipment. Whilst family members under the age of the 3 might be usefully deployed as ballast, the rest are practically full-grown and in urgent need of character-building. This can done in a variety of ways:

  • Ideally, aim for a region known for its beautiful valleys… and hills. If you can find a region with Valley in the name, say The Loire, your more gullible children can be led to believe that it will be downhill all the way. 
  • If choosing a relatively flat country such as the Netherlands, hire bicycles without gears for the children
  • Ensure the strongest member of the family carries heavy photography equipment as well as all food and emergency supplies
  • For any adults in the party who actually enjoy cycling, aim to include a minimum of 3 narrow paths on the side of hills, or ideally, cliffs.

Make use of your ballast - sorry toddlers - by giving them full responsibility for the life of all family members. Toddlers should be put in charge of assessing local traffic conditions and issuing verbal warnings describing approaching vehicles by fuel type. Any small child failing to distinguish between a petrol and diesel vehicle by sound alone should be raffled off or exchanged for a half a baguette.

Accommodation

Staying in one place for the duration of a holiday shows a lack of imagination. Ideally, bags should be packed and unpacked daily. Explore a variety of options including home swaps, B&Bs and holiday camps. Choosing to never stay in a hotel avoids the unnecessary distraction of swimming pools, Pay-Per-View TV, continental breakfasts or other indolence-inducing amenities and provides the opportunity to experience unique cultural events such as Mosquito Feast Day.

Technical Stuff

  • Use the balls of your feet
  • Children should always use the highest gear when climbing hills
  • USE THE BALLS OF YOUR FEET

Teenagers are known for their skewed perspective on life. It’s possible that a teenager might get the idea that a holiday is well spent by the pool. Once they have formed this delusion, a teenager will go to any lengths to achieve this and must be supervised at all times to prevent them from deliberately totalling their bike.

Sandcastles are for Softies.

Mid-sized boys will hum. They can’t help it.

Copyright waived. Other parties encouraged to accept responsibility and ownership. Thanks, The McNickids