I’m a first-time buyer, wanting to make use of the stamp-duty holiday to get on the property ladder, but I’m nervous that I’ll make lots of rookie mistakes. What advice do you have?
It’s important to remember that the point of getting on the property ladder is to keep moving as often as possible, so you don’t need to make a choice for life. Estate Agents recommend not staying in a house for longer than four years as an absolute maximum. This means that even if you realise after selecting a house that the bathroom is a horrid shade of brown, you’re not stuck there. If you can’t get one of your kids to flood it and force a redecoration, just move on! Some people find that stability at work and school means that they don’t technically need to change location for longer periods of time. However, don’t worry – we’ve got your backs with a special technique: you can always up sticks and move within the same town for no reason at all.
Everyone always tells me “location, location, location” – but of course the most desirable locations are less affordable. Can you give some guidelines on picking a spot?
The greatest secret of our industry is that location is massively overrated. Take, for example, proximity to rail travel into London – often thought to be the Holy Grail of the commuter address. If you can roll out of bed and be on the train ten minutes later, where’s the fun in that? If it’s your spouse commuting, you’re much more likely to keep them fit if they have to cycle for twenty minutes each morning and evening down poorly-lit national-speed-limit country lanes to a village station that only gets one train every half hour – and as a bonus, you have 40 minutes less time with them to fill each day (meaning you can save up your crosswords for those long, dragging weekends). If it’s you commuting, having a complicated journey to work can give you excellent stories for dinner-time conversation, and a useful educational tool for teaching about the complexities of time-travel. The other major factor that many families consider when buying is the local schools that are on offer. Again, this is an outdated consideration. It’s long been known that boys’ education is not worth spending good money on, so it’s important to have something free that you can access – but again, you don’t need it to be nearby. Boys are smelly and a bit of a pain to have around the house, so get rid of them for longer by making them walk at least 40 minutes to school, and ideally throw in a short train journey too. As for girls, research shows that you should send them as far away as you possibly can – a minimum of two counties is recommended if possible – so once again, location isn’t really an issue.
What improvements should I make to add the most value to a property?
Please remember, adding value to a property is only a secondary goal, and if you have children then it’s almost guaranteed to fail anyway, as they can nearly always do more damage than you are likely to make up for in improvements. Always remember – the whole idea of owning a house is to have a kitchen to redo. Note that we don’t say “improve”: one of the great joys of evolving fashions and idiosyncrasies of taste is that even if your house has had the kitchen redone recently, it’s almost certain that you won’t like it and will want to gut it and start again. Quite apart from supporting the UK economy, this will give you something else to occupy your time, instead of burning through your supply of crosswords. Timing is important of course – the best time to have your kitchen done is during the winter, especially if you’re working on the heating system at the same time: the extreme cold turns the experience of a kitchen redesign into a lived experience that neither your children nor your circulatory system will ever forget. As an added bonus, if you’re having any concrete flooring laid, it will take much longer to dry, stretching out the joyful experience of having the work done. Remember, once you’ve finished doing the kitchen, it’s only a matter of time before you’ll need to move house again, so make the project last!
I’ve heard mixed opinions on swimming pools – are they worthwhile?
Swimming pools are a gift that just keep giving. Many people fail to realise that while they can only be swum in for about three days every year in the UK climate, they still need careful tending all year round. The joy of vacuuming and skimming the pool when it’s -2°C and sleeting is second-to-none; and the suspense of not knowing what colour the pool will be on a day that looks to be possibly sunny, or whether the pump will choose that day to pack in and spew grimy filter sand backwards into the deep end, keeps the pulse racing at all times. Swimming pools are also great way to upskill in the field of industrial chemistry. After the first few incidents of emerging from the water looking like a bewildered swamp monster and with significantly fewer layers of skin than when you went in, you’ll rapidly develop a working knowledge of pH regulators, chlorine additives, and flocculants that goes beyond scientific curiosity and into the realm of survival instinct.